Monday, November 21, 2016

3 weeks err... 4 we--- 6 wee--- ah, fuck it, why not make it 8?

**Thanks to the quirks of blogger this post was briefly deleted. This is the same post originally published on Nov. 21st**

Right, so it has taken me eight weeks to sit down and write this blog. Or, rather it has taken me eight weeks to sit down and finish a blog post for this blog. To be fair, I've started this blog post at least three or four times in the past two months, but alas, it was not meant to be.

Today though, today I'm making this shit happen.

But where to start with eight weeks of parenting behind me? I'm sure to have forgotten things, after all I can barely remember my own name some days. 

Ah well, I suppose I'll start with why I've finally got this blog post written: I'm starting to reclaim the lost parts of myself. 

Last week I went climbing for the first time in over a year. Then, the next day, I went for a run. Then I went for another run on Sunday. I have plans to go for more runs this week and to go climbing again on Thursday night. I've gone out a few times with visiting friends and family, and just to have a beer with local buddies. I've gotten some writing done, some cover design work done, I'm getting back to my revision work, and I've been way more consistent about getting the dog out for a walk in the middle of the day.

Today, getting outside required bundling up a bit, but we did it anyway. The dog got her 4km walk and Cedar and I enjoyed some late fall sunshine. 

I also managed to book Cedar's vaccination appointment, do some laundry, do the dishes, and have the inlaws stop by for tea and baby snuggles. Today felt like winning. 

And, as is often the case when one is on an upswing, it's contagious. So, I am SURE that I have the time and energy to write this blog post along with all the other work I have to get done, because -- damn it -- I'm on fire!

These days happen periodically. They are interspersed with days of cluster feeding, spitting up ALL THE MILK AND THEN SOME (seriously, where did all this milk come from, your stomach is not this big?!?!?), and curling up in a ball on the couch playing stupid video games on my phone because I CANNOT ADULT ANYMORE. I IS DONE. THERE IZ NO ADULTS LEFT HERE. GOES AWAY!!

Those days happen too. Many variations on days like today and days where I just want to cry and never move again happen as well as everything in between. Yet mostly, it's adorable baby snuggles, and smiles, and holy crap you are growing so fast I can barely fathom what your body must be going through!, and diaper changes, and spit up, and sleep, and feeding, and more smiles and baby snuggles.

There's not a huge amount of variance, but it's all pretty good because this little bundle of new human is the most adorable thing I have ever known and I love her with a part of my soul I wasn't aware existed until the day she was born. 

So, even on the days when I curl up in the fetal position on the couch I still count myself incredibly lucky. 

And when it comes down to it we have been incredibly lucky. Cedar has her fussy days, leaps and growth spurts, days when she just wont stop eating and my nipples feel like they're going to fall off... but, generally speaking she's a very mellow baby, and we get lots of time where she is happy and playful, or entertains herself in her bassinet. She is happy to be wrapped in a stretch wrap and carried everywhere. She falls asleep when you walk her around and then stays asleep through entire meals, conversations with friends and even concerts. 

We are damned lucky, and I know it might not last, so I am trying to enjoy the hell out of it while I can. 

Case in point, as I write this post Cedar is lying in her bassinet practicing moving her legs and arms, having a case of the hiccoughs, and making small grunts and coos as she sorts out what sounds she's capable of, but for the moment (and there is a countdown going on this) she is not crying and I can have both hands free to type this post. 

Let's see... eight weeks... what else do you want to know?

Recovery from c-section, you ask? Well, it has gone pretty well so far. I am back to running and climbing, as mentioned before. My scar is healing well, and I mostly feel like my old self, just out of shape. Slowly getting back into it though, and feeling so much better for the start. Every little step makes me feel that much better. Overall I was amazed with how quickly my uterus resumed its former size. I think I have a few pictures to share. After all, we watched me slowly get bigger over the course of nine months, why not watch the reverse? 

October 5th

October 6th (yes, I felt like everything shrank overnight)

October 18th

November 21st

For those wondering, I'm not that concerned with "getting my body back" a notion I find rather unfair to mothers unless we are simply talking about reclaiming your body for yourself after it has spent nine months as the incubator for another human. In that sense I agree with the notion. However, I'm not worried about looking the same as I did before pregnancy. I am, after all, not the same person that I was before, so why should I look the same.

Mostly I'm simply amazed by the human body and what it's capable of. Hence the photos of my uterus shrinking back to normal.

Beyond that, I am concerned with feeling more like myself. Granted it is a new self that I am trying to feel like, but it is a self to whom many pieces of my former identity are still important. I still think of myself as an athlete, so I wish to feel like one again. I think of myself as an outdoorswoman, so I wish to feel like one again. I think of myself as a beer snob, rock climber, runner, adventurer, writer, backpacker, dog lover, world traveler... you get the idea.

And now, in addition to all of that, I'm a mom. That still hasn't sunk in yet, but I'm working on it. I'm working on settling into all my identities, both new and old.