Tuesday, March 29, 2016

So what are we doing here?

It's the 21st century after all, if I never wanted children... what the hell am I doing having a baby?

Fair point. Well made.

The answer is, of course, that I changed my mind about the whole kid having thing. Though of course, don't get me wrong, the idea still terrifies me at times.

I was the person who for years said, "I will never have children. I don't particularly like them and I don't feel particularly maternal and I don't yearn to have a child. I firmly believe that humans can lead perfectly fulfilling lives without children."

And now you're expecting me to say, "but then my biological clock started ticking and suddenly I couldn't think of anything but babies!"

But actually, that's not how it happened at all.

I still don't particularly like most people's kids. I still don't feel particularly maternal. I still don't yearn to have a child. I still VERY firmly believe that humans can lead completely fulfilling lives without children. None of that really changed.

Leading us back to the initial question: what the hell am I doing having a baby?

Well, a couple of things... For one, I married a man who had always wanted kids, and who will be a wonderful father. That alone, however, is not sufficient reason for me to change my stance on procreating.

For another, I spent a few years living amongst friends who had children, but who still managed to be people with identities outside of parenthood. People who continued to accomplish things that mattered to them outside of raising kids and who traveled and adventured with kids in tow.

For yet another, my brother (closest to me in age and perhaps even more reluctant to procreate than I ever was) had a baby, and that baby was adorable and awesome. This changed a few things for me. It made me realize that I like some babies (and a couple of close friends' babies helped with this as well) and that if my brother, who never really wanted kids, found it fulfilling and worthwhile (which he does) then I probably would too.

Finally, the thing that clinched it was that I thought about it for a very long time and analyzed my reasons for not wanting kids. Lots of them were solid. But the strongest one was that I simply didn't want to be a "mom." Yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn't that I didn't want to be a "mom" in the sense of producing offspring and teaching them about the world. A number of aspects of that appealed to me (which is why I enjoyed teaching for so many years). What I shied away from was adopting the identity of "mom." I didn't want to be "mom" before I was "Virginia" "writer" "adventurer" "world traveler" "athlete" etc. I didn't want mom to become my sole identity.

So what finally made me decide the whole thing might be ok, was realizing that it was up to me how much of my identity I hand over to motherhood. I could hand over as much or as little as I wanted, be damned what society expects, and there was no right answer. Some women embrace "mom" as their first and foremost identity and that's great. Others simply add it to a long list of identifiers and let it play an equal part and that's great too. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There is only the way that you do it.

Don't get me wrong. I know that this whole thing is going to turn my world on its head, and do so in ways I cannot, at this moment, imagine. However, I also know, because I've seen it done, that when the dust settles it will be up to me how much of myself I give over to the identity of "mom" and that whatever I choose will be the right amount.

Well damn.

I got all philosophical on us.

Point is, welcome to a blog written by a woman who is currently pregnant (15 weeks as of the writing of this post) and who never really planned to be here. I know lots of pregnant ladies have been dying to be moms since they were little girls. This is not that kind of blog. I know lots of pregnant ladies used to shun motherhood, but now embrace it wholeheartedly. This isn't that kind of blog either.

This one is for the ladies who never really wanted to have kids, and still aren't sure it's the right move, but have decided, "ah... fuck it. Why not?"

Welcome ladies.* Come on in. Let's talk.

*Audience members of all genders and sexualities are welcome here. I'm just assuming the majority of the audience will be fellow pregnant women, but don't let my assumptions stop you, come on in!


Since this is an intro post, here's a photo of me. 




Meet my dog Artemis (the same one from the above picture). She's my four legged fur child. I am worried about whether I will love her more or less than my human child. I'm not sure which option disturbs me more...

19 comments:

  1. AAAA, Virginia, congratulations to you and Corey!!!!! <3<3<3 Whatever it will be, one thing for sure, it's gonna be one hell of an adventure! I have always thought I never want children so this is an amazing opportunity to explore this journey vicariously through you <3 best of luck and yasssssssssss, the pants will be freaking awesomeeeeeee maternal pants (although they are actually not, but they serve the purpose well enough :P) I'm also saying Hi for Ilya :) much love from us from all the way down South Carolina (who would have thought, right? :)) ) <3<3<3

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    1. Thanks, Emma! I'm so glad this will be interesting for you to read. I still know lots of women having kick ass lives without having children, so keep that in mind, but I'm happy to be a guinea pig for anyone who wonders what it's like to go from thinking "never me" to "sure what the heck." I hope it's informative!

      Thanks so much for the pants! I'm so excited for them and I think you're right they'll be super comfy maternity pants. :-) I can't wait!

      Hi to Ilya and keep having fun in South Carolina! Hugs!

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  2. I feel like "never really wanted to have kids...but have decided, "ah... fuck it. Why not?"" should be added to my meishi. Lady, I was so stressed about the whole 'Mum as identifier' thing for the longest time, I wish I'd talked about it, rather than turn into eczema fodder like everything else I over analyse. You're a hero. This will be a brilliant blog. I can't wait. (Hilary)

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    1. Haha! You are welcome to use that on your meishi. Put it right below bad ass jazz singer and above accomplished creator of bentos. ;-) (Oh man... now I'm desperately craving a bento.) Thanks so much for reading this and thinking it looks promising. I hope it lives up to your expectations.

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  3. WOW!!! I guess John's right: you really are a chip off the old block. And so....for what it's worth (and remember that free advice is often worth exactly what you paid for it) finally having (fabulous, by the way) children has been the single most important thing I've accomplished to date.

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    1. Ha! Well, yeah. I suppose it makes sense that I would take a similar stance to child having as you did. I think you've done many important things over your lifetime, which is what has made you such a great role model for me. But I suppose TJ might win a nobel prize at some point, so yeah, maybe it was pretty important that you procreated. ;-)

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  4. I couldn't be happier for both of you. Much love to two of my favs!

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    1. Thank you! I know a couple of people who could be masquerading as AZCatMom, so I won't presume to know which one this is... though I have a guess.

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  5. Congrats! Having kids is pretty great (I, too, did not want to have the babies and be the mom). However, when I did decide that it was a good choice for me, I found that I can still be me and not have to give up everything I was. Also, my dog was still first in my heart until she passed. She also found a way to pick on the baby without hurting the baby and it was hilarious.

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    1. I don't know how I missed replying to this! I'm actually relieved to hear that your dog stayed number one with you, because that's something I worry about. You are another example of people I know who are clearly rocking the "I am a mom and I am also a badass" role. So, thanks for that. :-)

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  6. Congratulations Virginia!! It sounds like you are on a great path of open mindedness. You'll do wonderfully as you go along. I was one of those that always wanted kids, so I didn't spend any time thinking about it, but I have 2 sons that don't want kids, so I encouraged them not to and supported them with that. One of them has a daughter now, after his wife talked him into it. He was 38 when she was born, so he had had a full life of adventure and travel, etc before he became a dad. He immediately bonded with his daughter and has loved her to pieces ever since (about 5 years) and is such a proud dad and happy to be so. He spends most of the time with her, but still travels and does things without her. That usually works it self out. :-) I'm happy for both you and Corey!

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    1. That was from Alia, btw. I've not done this like this before. :-)

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    2. Thanks, Alia! So lovely to hear that both your sons are having fulfilling lives both with and without children.

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  7. I feel all of this! and continue to struggle with how much "mom" I am. Overall, parenting is really fun and an incredible challenge for both parents! You guys definitely have what it takes! -Leigh

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    1. Thanks, Leigh! I sure hope so.

      The more women I talk to about it the more it seems like a common thread. At least how much "mom" they feel the need to be.

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  8. Wow...great post!
    I won't be having kids, but I sure will enjoy reading about you having one!

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    1. This is Zubeda btw..idk why it says my name is She

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    2. This is Zubeda btw..idk why it says my name is She

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    3. Hahaha! Thanks, Zubeda! I look forward to entertaining you with my kid having adventures. ;-) How's your cactus doing? :-)

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